Life is a Gift

I live just a plain ole simple life. There is absolutely nothing fancy to it. I know so many women out there are doing so many things, and I think about it and I feel like I should be doing so much more. At one point in my life I probably would have been. I use to always be so busy with projects and running around. Starting this, finishing that. Going here and going there. And sometimes I miss all of that. Especially when I'm reading the blogs of my lovely blogging friends. I wish I could do so much more. They all seem to be having so much fun and have so many lovely things going on in their worlds. I'm so happy for them and I enjoy reading each of their posts. So inspiring and beautiful. It is many times the highlight of my day being let in a little bit into each of their lives through their sharing. And, okay, I'll admit it. I do a little bit of living vicariously through them as well. Oh, okay. Yes, there is a little bit of envy as well. But what can you expect? I'm only human.

But, I live a plain ole simple life. There isn't anything wrong with that... but I'm still working on accepting that really and truly.

I don't do a lot of running any more if I can help it. It's too tough on this stiff, tired and sore body of mine. I'm only 43 years old, but there are many days I feel older. I have a lot of crazy things happening with my body, and each year the doctors seem to find more. This does not make me happy. However, it is how it has been so far.

Let's see, at last look, the list went something like this:

1. Fibromyalgia.
2. Sjogren's Syndrome
3. Arthritis
4. Mixed Connective Tissues Disease (they think~ not positive but that's what they're saying for now)
5. Possible Lupus~ we have to wait a few more years and see what other symptoms happen
6. Severe scar tissue from C-section interfering with this and that
7. Uterine Fibroids (kind of big and very painful)
8. Peri-menopause. (I can count that. It's my right as a woman.)
9. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
10. Possible Gluten intolerance.
11. Chronic migraines and headaches from neck and back spasms
12. Chronic back spasms
13. Chronic arm and leg spasms
14. Restless Leg Syndrome
15. Chronic infections that flare up here and there and level me.
16. PVC heart palpitations accompanied by pain, which for now are being considered benign.

Yikes. Every time I look at that list it just overwhelms me. It's just so much more then I can take in most days. Just the symptoms of Fibromyalgia are more then enough, thank you very much. (Hey, who asked for this? I don't remember asking for this.)

So, my life, the busy, bustling, having fun life I had before, has kind of turned into a very plain ole simple life.
A no big deal kind of thing. I have had to be very, very creative with my interests in order to not go completely noodlely from having to limit myself so much all the time.

Take today. Today I took my son out to the book store, myself to Joann Fabrics, and then we went to  Best Buy for my son to price cooling mats for his laptop. By the time we were one hour in, I was toast. I didn't want to show my son this because he worries about me and he would have called it quits so we could go home and I could rest. There was no way I was having any of that. Too much has been taken from us as it is. It is utterly ridiculous to me that I get that exhausted and into that much pain for doing just about next to nothing. I know I injured my back last week, but I'm doing much better from that the past 24 hours, so that wasn't the problem.

I know what I have is real. I know these things cause pain, fatigue, exhaustion, and, well, more pain. A lot more pain. But I sometimes feel like I've been robbed. I've totally been robbed from being the active, involved Mom, friend, person-in-general I used to be. And I feel like my son and husband are being robbed right along with me.

There are many things I do not do anymore. Many things I just cannot do anymore. But I do try and keep myself busy and look to the brighter side of things.

I started my business from home as a way to keep myself busy and active and motivated, even on those days when I feel like someone is using my body as a pincushion and a punching bag. I began collecting antique books and vintage plates, tea cups and saucers, and roosters. I started up my blogs. I keep my journals and I work on things around the house as much as I can. I try to keep up on laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, caring for the cats, dusting, and cooking as much as possible. I'm trying to be much more forgiving of myself when I look around the house and see piles of this and that building up. I'm trying to be much more forgiving of my son and husband who can step over those piles, push them aside, and ignore them completely even if I'm going nuts watching them do just that. I'm trying like crazy to make Erma Bombeck's philosophy my mantra:

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares, why should you?"

However, sometimes things do multiply, smell, and could possibly cause a fire. So... I try very hard to breath in and breath out and count to ten and not go all preying mantas on us.

(Lucky Boy: one of my little blessings around here)

We don't go out very much. We go on short day trips here and there knowing full well I may make it the whole day without incident, but 8 times out of 10, I end up a mess of stiffness, pain, and exhaustion. We go out to eat now and again. We see a movie every other month. I still am as involved as I can be with our little home school group, and I try to not feel like such a huge inconvenience to my family and friends.

It's been tough. I've let people down who use to rely on me. People who have been use to me being there for them. Even people who don't know me all that well, they don't understand that a migraine, back spasms, and a Charlie Horse makes it kind of tough to go out shopping or out to eat while they are occurring. I've put on happy faces and laughs to cover up so much to keep people from feeling uncomfortable, but sometimes, sometimes I just can't keep that up. This week may just be one of those times.

(Pumpkin: another little blessing. Here he's making nice with a Silkie Terrier I rescued)

I have to drive for two hours tomorrow in a car with no air conditioning. It's hard enough to just drive the car (I get spasms in my arms, right leg and foot, and neck and shoulders from driving), but I also have to sit in a car in 85 degree muggy weather and not be able to breath very well, all the while getting a sunburn. Hey, those doctors wanted to wait for more signs of Lupus... well... Here ya go!!! What else can I do to throw fuel on the flame?

I'm telling you folks, you've not seen anything until you've seen me drive. If you want a laugh, you have to see this. I start off just fine. About fifteen minutes in, the arm spasms start. So I have to constantly switch arms and try to work the other arm free of the spasm. In short while after that, the neck spasms start, followed by the shoulders. Pretty soon my entire upper body is this tangled mess of locking muscles. I look like I'm trying to attack the steering wheel. I swear. I must have the stupidest grimace on my face making it seem to everyone around me that I may just be some crazy, ballistic, nut of a woman who may just decide to ram into you. Sort of like the scene from Fried Green Tomatoes but with less composure and no snappy retort.

After that the right leg and foot goes for broke trying to outdo my upper torso. It's a free for all. So I'm shaking out my leg every few minutes, moving myself this way and that way in the seat, trying to relax enough to drive, but not to relax too much, because heaven knows if I do that I could let too much of the exhaustion set in and I could quite possibly fall asleep behind the wheel of the car. This could be interesting.

Oh, did I mention my eyes. I have Sjogren's Syndrome, which, pathetically translated means: Dry eyes and Mouth. (No it doesn't, it means dry absolutely everything. Move over Sierra Desert.)  My eye lids start sticking together... they just feel like someone applied Rubber Cement to them and they want to stay sealed. So, every single chance I get, stop signs, stop lights, stopped traffic of any kind, I pull out my handy dandy eye drops and drop them in. By the way, to give you an idea of the amount of dryness my eyes suffer from, I can go through 4 fl oz. of eye drops in four days. That's a lot of drops. And so, I'm doing this with these silly eye drops running down my face while driving, and trying to mop up the excess so I don't look like I've cried all over myself.

And just to add one more element to this lovely state of affairs. Heat, muggy heat, makes it darned near impossible for me to breath.

Driving in the summer. There is nothing I love more.  Wooo hooo! Living life on the edge.

That is what my life has become. That is what I try and work around day in and day out, night in and night out.

So... living a plain ole simple life has sort of been hoisted on me from the powers the powers that be. And I'm working on defining it a little better. Trying to find that happy balance between utter boredom and doing way too much in one day (which is not that much, really).

I feel for all you ladies out there who suffer from chronic illness. Somehow, each day, every day, we face it again and again and again. How do we do it? What keeps us keeping on?

Mine is my love of my family and my love of life. Even though it's painful. Even though it's now limited. Even though I can only dream about many things and no longer truly do them (at least not to the extent I thought I would be doing them), I keep on keeping on because life is beautiful, no matter what it deals you. It's precious. It's difficult. It's a challenge. It's danged near impossible sometimes. But it is non-the-less beautiful.

So, I'll live this plain ole simple life. It's what I've been dealt with and it's mine. And come sunshine or stormy days, I'll do my best to find humor, light, love and joy in little moments throughout each day with those I love, in my quiet solitude, in reading my friends' blogs, and in writing my own, and creating my crafts.

(my very lovely family. Mom, myself, husband, and son)

Life is a gift. Sometimes it comes in a beautiful package and contains the most gorgeous, beautiful and loveliest things you've ever seen. Sometimes it comes in a so-so package and contains a book with some stains, a few pages missing, a couple of tears here and there with the binding beginning to fall apart at the seams, but it still has lovely poetry hidden inside. Lovely artwork to look over and feel appreciation for, and a meaningful story or two inside. Either way. Life is a Gift.